She Said It, Not I

"...The sole of souls to claim your disposition. To make a mark and leave it there for you to decipher alone. A seed of tranquility that is planted in a touch, a reflection of you in the iris of the eye. 6 months. 6 months. In 6 months you will begin your intended journey…"

-She said it, not I-

But here I sit, 

I falsified my feelings and buried them with fear. 

I never fully accepted the fact that I could, that I would, that- I AM.

Walked on day after day letting it trickle a path of innocent intrigue. Words are exchanged. I am left hanging. Hanging to wait for the next utterance to be said… A guard that was innately present is melted. Melted in a moment and vulnerability took it's dangerous course.

Unknowingly a seed was planted, it's covered by the melted maille to cultivate and forge a growth-

An awkward connection, a specific distinction, an incongruent congruency of awkward halves to one whole asymmetry. Thus, this is it.

It is WHAT SHE SAID…

I fought myself and swallowed my word vomit for fear that if the universe heard my heart, it would then be real. Her words from moons past replay across me. They are never fully ceasing. But I feel foolish for even entertaining the possible idea of hers to even be true. Her truth is THE truth. 

The realization of my heart is this; I AM SCARED.

So I retreat back. Not to utter a word, and I suppress my possible hearts "unknowing" desire that this possible is THE POSSIBLE TRUTH. It has taken many moon-full nights, to conceivably accept her word. And I am here still battling with this truth. 

The seed of possible possibilities is sprouting through the maille. 

I failed- 

My battle is now ACCEPTANCE.

Fragmented Dreams

Dreams and fragmented memories, I wish that it was real. 

Drifting out of consciousness you are what I see. Strangers are we yet were close to see. There's an intriguing meaning in this connection. You are you and I am I. In this precious moment, I can feel your presence. You weren't so close and yet far away. You were standing there in front of me. It was such a delight of blue to see. 

Laughing, daunting, tossing around our auras; your personal meaning of life is what I see. Exploring our surrounds and exhausting our bodies and brains; I can say, I know what it is to be with you… Here we are galavanting through each other's mysteries, its like unwrapping a new surprise. Each present is presented with each question; and a delightful surprise is enlightened with every answer. Finding comfort, we cozy to the picture. Our reality is becoming more and more enticing. 

Entice to bind, we're bound to know. It's the knowledge and understanding of each other that we come to seek. To seek to find, the blessed truth. I'm gradually becoming tempted even more by you....

We are worlds apart yet still the same. It's amazing this connection. It's intriguing this connection. Call me crazy, call it maybe. Call it what it is. It's interesting how people and situations can cross. But it's life if you allow it.

It's truly intriguing to see how life throws you a curve ball and its up to you to catch it, throw it, pass it, or skip it. Vagabonds are we and nomads of the heart, we're here to interact. I feel especially interesting interacting with you. 

How can this be? 

Why can this be? 

It's amazing to see the progression. As each other and for each other we're greater than what we always seem. 

But here you are, entangling your thoughts and wrapping them in me,
Debating; come let me see what it is you see. 
My mind is subjective,
Inject your perspective.
Intensify my internals with only, you.

Here with you there's no escape
My lobes are caught
You pulsate my heart, you are my thought-
You captivate, you translate, you completely transfix me.
Two into one, internally free.

Barriers broken,
You take my token,
Pupils dilate,
Debate-

What have you done to me?
Transplanted another,
Progression of the other,
You've twisted yourself in me.
I take you away.
Not a word to say.
You've altered my body, my mind, my soul.
Changed forever was the ultimate goal.

Wherever it is,
You go,
I go…

That Kind of Woman

What kind of woman do you want to be?

Do you want to be a strong woman or a woman that wants to get a man?

Plagued is such a question for a woman of my age and also my generation. Chasing dreams and chasing men; their dream is chasing that man.

It's seemingly scary, moving forward. A strong woman admits when she is hurt and she faces her problems head on. She never takes her eye off the ball, especially for a man. Now tell me, what kind of woman do you want to be?

Do you want to be a strong woman? Or just the girl that gets the man?

Your career will never haunt you. You career will never taunt you. Yet in the same respect your career will never cuddle you, hold you, kiss you, or cradle you. You career will never leave you, unless you leave it. It's a double edged sword for focused ambitious woman. You want it all but can't have it all. "Something's gotta give." But what?

We are told to chase our happiness and hold on to it. To find it, to hold it, to capture it, to keep it, to cherish it, to share it; but there's a funny ironic thing about it. We're never told exactly what happiness is or how happiness is truly achieved. We're just told about it.

Happiness at its maximum to its maximum…

My happiness is held within myself. The greatest gift of joy that is given to me is created within myself. The warmth that fills my heart is the warmth that fills my soul. It is the joy of self achievement.

For now I'll hold my heart in my hand and hope that one day some lucky man may want to hold my hand too; for he'll know exactly whats held so preciously inside it.

I'm choosing to stand, with both my feet firmly on the ground, with the hopes and dreams of creating a beautiful life for myself and those around me. With internal focus, ambitious, and drive within me; my career will take me further for now. I'll focus on my career and me as a person.

Sometimes it's not always about finding the right man or finding the right career. ITS ABOUT BEING RIGHT FOR YOU… Be the right kind of person that you need to be to fulfill whatever reality and future it is that you want to create for yourself. Create with all your might the most majestic scenario. Predict your future by creating your future. Focus on being the right woman. Focus in being the right person. Focus in being the right sister, daughter, leader, and friend.

I've become a slow and avid believer that if you become what is right for you, you'll truly come to know you. And when you come to know yourself; we all become a little more confident in the decisions we daily make.

Focus on being the RIGHT WOMAN, and you'll know when you meet the RIGHT MAN.


Ending note:

I will be the RIGHT woman, with the RIGHT career, sharing my life with the RIGHT man, creating and expanding ourselves into the RIGHT family, enjoying the RIGHT life; that I PREDICTED I WOULD CREATE...

Past Endeavors and Current Aims

Mistakes are made and lines are drawn. Sometimes we write in cement. As the cement begins to harden I am finding it quite difficult to change the solidified picture. Sometimes these pictures are intended to last an eternity, but with changing tides and revolving moons, the earth breaks through indicating changes need to be made.

The solidification of the picture ceases to exist to allow the makings of a new template. Changes are constant and always evolving, but how to evolve is only annotated by the one holding the brush and paint. 

Worthy of the difference and worthy of a cause, there must be continual motivation to lighten brush strokes, interchange colorings, and provide a differential depth to the forthcoming creation. 
Old habits die hard but once those habits are changed its about pushing through consistently to allow the viewer to change the perspective once given. How? Consistency. Closed minds shall always remain closed minds, but for the select few who truly devote themselves to the artist. The manifestation of that picture becomes a valued masterpiece. 

Pushing through our internal odds its about a mental and emotional change that allows the internal growth to be significant to the viewers that stay. To those bystanders that watch the tides change and the moon shift every night slightly noticing the differences, to them I say thank you. 
Because of you; our internal artists begin to believe and have faith. Faith that the progress of change is worth it to some. The belief that they too carry hope in their hearts; that hearts heal and hearts can change as we the artist begin to age. Stagnation is not permanence, only confusion of how to lay the next stroke.

And for those that stay to witness the change, I for them say, "Thank you." Thank you for your faith. Thank you for your hope. Thank you for seeing that believing is sometimes the only hope we need. 
Some may never carry that hope for us. But its not for the approval of others that we exist to change the picture. Its about the gratification of the masterpiece well laid. That reflecting upon each stroke, its birthed a new beginning and hope that greatness comes to those who wait. And those that wait will be truly blessed to find a glorious magnification of the new sunrise in our progressive forthcoming arts. 

Detox

Do it now… I did it.


"Detoxing your mind is about changing you're thinking habits to suit your aims. It is about letting go of behavior that sabotages your goals and learning to replace it with skills that encourage clear thinking and a strong belief in yourself…"


Do it now… I did it.


Don't ask me how, but I did it. We are all works in progress seeking instant gratification and validation. All to often we seem to forget that persistence and patience will always satisfy our whet appetites more. Its about quenching that insatiable appetite for the most gratifying and most beautifying characteristic that only time, persistence, and patience can give; growth. Growing to fulfill our own skin and embodying our very presence happens to be the seed in our core humanity. 


How wonderful and great would it be if we all got a manual. A manual to conduct ourselves amongst ourselves with others. Assumedly so everything would go smoothly right? Wrong. There are just too many factors that cannot be calculated. And more assuredly so, we as the stubborn arrogant human beings we are; more than likely will mess something up.


It's only in our nature to go against it all and question. Forge through our own paths to find our own answers, because then and only then will the written word be more than just menial letterings on a piece of paper. We come to change ourselves gradually and start the detoxification without ever truly knowing it once we accept and love the life we lead. 


A simple detox can forever change an outlook. And your outlook is everything on life. 


The best way to predict the future is to create it. I've slowly begun to create a quite wonderful future. Now it's only who will I be sharing my wonderfully happy future with. So for now I'll turn the corner, smile happily and continue to create the predicted future for myself…

Today Equates Future

When times slip through your fingers and the seconds pass without grateful thinking, the "god" of time likes to send a little reminder that its time you'll never get back.

Moments pass and sometimes we all become confused. There's no true or concise answer that has ever been depicted on our daily movement. So then what? They say live today like it's your last, yet they always tell us to prepare for the future. It's a double whet sword and I don't know how to dice the apple. We turn to metaphysical things for validation and belonging, but who or what are they to say the meaning of belonging truly is. However, if I've come to learn just a little something about this metaphysical meaning, its freedom and choice. There's an apparent freedom to decide what we wish and want. But time doesn't wait for us to decide. The moon still rises, and the sun still sets with every passing day just like the day before.


These future moments of past contemplation arrive and it is then we decide. We decide what we want and hopefully it will all turn out for the best. So I'll live in today's time with the hope of a future that just maybe it won't be lived in vain. That a legacy can live on from my minuscule breathe and that my generations beyond can stand proud. How does that saying go? "Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future." We can take the day of yesterday and learn. Make that one change for that day constant and consistent for everyday thereafter. And in the day's passing we will come to shape the future days.


And while we linger in that hope; tomorrow will be brighter, better, and more bountiful than the past moons have ever witnessed. So I make the choice of changing today with the hope that my change will only be in the betterment of my generation's future. That these constant, consistent changes will become habitual characteristics of an aloofly proud entity of the universe. And in the woeful depiction of future seconds slipping away, its in those ticking seconds that hold our futuristic truth.

Second Chances

Have you ever done something within your life and always wanted to finish or do something different about it? I know I have. I'm sure we all have. I've learned a hard lesson in taking a step back and reanalyzing my past steps and doing the whole; coulda, shoulda, woulda aspect of it all.

Sometimes our second chances are given to us so that we can achieve and fix the mistakes prior. Sometimes our second chances are literal do-overs. It's our gift from the universe to make wrong, right. For me? The universe granted me a chance to powder down my concrete heart and see the true contents inside. Because of you I will say, "Thank-you."

We encounter others on the daily with the hopes that the minuscule things we do will change the world.
I've learned that those little things added up to a big change within me. I've learned to see the hope that my said concrete heart was never able to see before. There's a girlie finesse thats come to transcend onto my exterior that  I wasn't sure exactly existed before. A faith and childish hope that my dream come true and my one day could possibly be looming upon my near and distance future.

My second chance was my second chance at true hope, true confidence, true worth; that I with everything involved am worth it. I got that second chance to understand the true meaning of family. I got that second chance to understand my subconscious heart and actions. Placing myself in the aspect of, one day that will be me. I got my second chances, and my second chances have become my everything. I even got my second chance to fix my broken hardened heart. I got that chance to understand that feeling of true care and company. I got that second chance to understand strong doesn't have to mean hard. I got that second chance to see that crack in my concrete heart wasn't jackhammered there because I was weak. It was jackhammered there because it was what I needed. I needed to feel again. I needed to be side-swiped and pummeled to the ground then lift back up again to gain that second chance insight.

It was what I needed.

Quite possibly the best second chance I got was fixing the ending that resulted in a second layer of cement around my already hardened heart. After all emotions settled in, paths came to cross again. To fix the wrong previously done to understand we both have won. Its that chance of all chances to change that first ending. The ending that harbored anger, hurt, and guilt. Its re-written now in how it always should have been, in hopeful communication. Its a veered path that we both didn't see that shifted the sight of our course. But widened eyes and powdered hearts are exactly what the cosmos ordered.

To think and feel, to see the difference; its seconds to second chances to re-write our lost hope.

Here's to my second chance at hopeful memories